Lisa Vanderpump has many things. She has a devoted, nearly castrated husband named Ken. She has ponies named Diamonds and Rosé. She even has a son named Max who she allows to bus tables at her restaurants.
But she does not have great style.
At this point, the Bravo canon is so wrapped up in irony that it can be difficult to tell when the jokes start and end. Is SUR actually a good restaurant? Does Lisa care about James fat-shaming Katie? Should we be looking to Lisa Vanderpump for all questions regarding style and grace?
The answer to all these questions, in my opinion, is no. Aside from being a cold-hearted business owner that tricked Nene into not buying the land that Pump was to be built on, Lisa has terrible style. She is obsessed with pink in the same way a stereotypical little girl is obsessed with pink. I can see her stomping about in a tutu, demanding that she go to preschool like this. If Lisa Vanderpump’s style was a board game, it would be Pretty Pretty Princess.
She’s obsessed with anything pink, as I mentioned, but also anything with sparkle, a ruffle, or a shine. More is more, Lisa says to herself as she buys yet another bright pink sunhat. Why can’t I wear a tiara despite being neither royalty nor a child, Lisa asks herself, already knowing the answer.
Now let’s talk about her hair. No one understands the struggle of puffy hair better than me. Before my keratin treatments, I was in a never-ending battle with my hair to calm down, to sit back, to be less Jewish. But Lisa Vanderpump is a gentile millionaire, so having hair this dry is truly inexcusable. It’s like, have you heard of Olaplex?
Despite these fashion blunders, everyone on both Real Housewives of Beverly Hills and Vanderpump Rules pretends that Lisa Vanderpump is a chic goddess, the Holly Golightly of West Hollywood. Now, no cast member of Vanderpump Rules really nails it style-wise, so maybe this tracks.
And her house. Am I supposed to believe that walking through a swamp like moat to get to her all white living room is cute?
Yes, that’s a chandelier hanging from the trees because, why not? Unfortunately, this photo doesn’t include Lisa’s swans, Rumpy and Pumpy, a very important part of her whole aesthetic. She truly is the Grizzly Man of her carefully decorated world.