Stassi Schroeder, reality TV star, podcaster, and ranch aficionado can now add author to her resume. Her book, Next Level Basic: The Definitive Basic Bitch Handbook comes out in April of this year, and I for one could not be more thrilled. The book’s description on Amazon is promising us some much needed intel,
“Stassi champions the things that many of us are afraid to love publicly for fear of being labeled basic: lattes, pugs, bubbly cocktails, millennial pink, #OOTD (outfit of the day, obvs), astrology, hot dogs, the perfect pair of Louboutins, romantic comedies…the list goes on and on.”
Obviously, this is an important non-fiction book that will stand the test of time, but as a super-fan, I have a few requests for Miss Schroeder’s first foray into the world of print. Stassi, if you’re reading this, then you need to have another Skype session with your editors Simon & Schuster, because I have some questions/ concerns that MUST be addressed.
Does Jax have Herpes?
No shame, but does Jax have herpes? We all remember Brittany calling him “dirty” after she found out that he had sex with Faith, and given the context, it seemed sexually charged. In that case, does that mean that Brittany has herpes? Does Kristen have it, from that time that she fucked Jax in front of Drive? Do you have it, and does Beau have it? What I’m asking is if the entire cast of Vanderpump Rules has herpes, and it’s totally okay if you all do. Please elaborate.
Where do you get your clothes?
Lately, you have been KILLING IT on the #OOTD game, with soft camel sweaters, minimalist pea coats, and some chic over-the-knee boots that I want to wear but lack the confidence. Where in the world do you get your clothes? And don’t say Lulus.com.
Are the goat cheese balls at SUR really that good?
I know, I know, the goat cheese balls at SUR are amazing. But what about the rest of the menu? It’s no secret that the food at SUR is not exactly gourmet. It’s kind of like The Rain Forest Cafe— you come to see and be seen, not for the food. If SUR wasn’t an essential part of your rise to fame, would you even go there?
Why don’t you have central air?
From what I can surmise, you have quite a few income streams as of late. There’s your checks for being on the show, of course; your podcast, which no doubt has either a mattress or Squarespace sponsorship (I’ll admit I haven’t actually listened); your forthcoming book; your wine company Witches of WeHo; your aforementioned sponcon partnerships with Lulu’s, Botox, Bondi Sands, Furbo— this list goes on. And yet, you live in a West Hollywood apartment WITH NO CENTRAL AIR.
Now, I understand that many apartments in New York do not have central air, but that is because summer lasts three months here; it’s fine to get some window units and suffer. But L.A is a desert, and you are a celebrity. Is rent really that expensive that you can’t afford central air, or are you living elsewhere? Inquiring minds want to know.
Will we find out the answers to these questions? Probably not, but I still can’t wait until April.