If you’re on this website, you probably already know about Nastassia Bianca Schroeder, or Stassi as we Pumpheads fondly know her. To some, she’s just another blonde bitch screaming about the fact that it’s her birthday, but to others, she’s queen.
I am one of the others.
When I first met Stassi on the first season of Vanderpump Rules, I was struck by two things: one, she looked like a cartoon character of a popular girl, and two, she had a lot of anger. So much so that she would make incredibly graphic threats if her boyfriend was caught flirting with someone else, or if she thought one of her friends had hooked up with her ex. For example, take a look at what she said when she caught Scheana (gasp) putting suntan lotion onto her then-boyfriend Jaxx’s back on SUR’s float at Pride.
“I normally would’ve literally ran across that float with daggers, and not only stabbed you both like 40 times but then thrown you off, tarred and feathered each of you, beheaded you, and then quartered your bodies and drag them through the cities of West L.A on a disgusting truck.”
Like Stassi, I also have dyed blonde hair, divorced parents, and emotional issues. It’s really hard not to be a psycho when your Mom spends all her child support money on Esteé Lauder products instead of, you know. Food. Oh, well. There’s always Daddy’s plastic!
I would like to be emotionally stable, of course. But, like the fish pose in yoga, it’s just not accessible to me right now. Every boy that I kiss who doesn’t immediately shove his tongue down my throat is my new obsession. I picture someone meeting my family midway through a halfway decent date, and if someone doesn’t answer my texts within a few hours…wow. It’s like I’ve just been told that my parents don’t love me, or something. So I understand Stassi’s anger- she just didn’t know how to express it correctly.
Watching Stassi go through a string of bad boyfriends in seasons one through six is both compelling and painful. From Jax, a pathological liar who probably gave her herpes, to Frank, her rebound after Jax who threatened to go public with her sex tape, we thought everything was going to turn around when she started dating Patrick, a real man with a real job that wasn’t at a restaurant/ bar. But then he met Lisa Vanderpump and, in three separate sentences, complimented her ass in front of Stassi. And then, in the same night Stassi begged him not to break up with her. It was sort of like when I begged a DJ to date me at the Harvard Square Shake Shack. He said no, and then we went back to his twin bed and did the deed. True love alert!
Then Stassi met Beau, and everything changed. Beau was cute and tall and actually liked her as a person, despite her embarrassing #OOTDs and obsession with ranch. They’re one of the only redeemable parts of Season 7, which has been mostly Katie complaining about James and Brittany pretending her life isn’t horrible. Beau casually refers to them getting engaged in the future and hugs her after she screams at him while drunk. Stassi doesn’t even care that he dresses like a kooky 13-year old, because he is The One.
At first, I was the conductor of the Beau train, so thrilled that Stassi finally found someone that appreciated her, how should I say this, “quirks”. But then I remembered another man who I deemed perfect: one Jason Hoppy from Real Housewives of New York City. Please take a moment of silence for this garbage fire of a relationship.
In the same way I relate to Stassi, I’ve related to Bethenny Frankel for years. I like to pretend it’s because we’re both ambitious and smart, but it’s probably due to the fragile emotional state that underlies even the most trivial of Skinnygirl press appearances. We thought Jason was The One, too, until we found out that he was a verbally abusive monster. So is my guard up? Yes. But it only applies to men that I watch on reality TV.
I pray that Stassi can remain as in love with Beau as she deserves to be. I pray that his willingness to be on a reality show isn’t a sign of his ulterior motives but rather a sign of his enduring support for her. I pray that Beau Clark is not Jason Hoppy, and that no other boy that seems nice is Jason Hoppy, but that’s not the world we’re living in. Jason Hoppys are everywhere, disguised as regular men, and you won’t know who they are until it’s way too late.
I know I’m probably being paranoid, but Stassi is me and I’ve been burned. She’s been burned, too, so together, we’re like two burn victims trying to enjoy a nice night of fireworks. It can’t happen to us again, right?
Stassi didn’t meet Beau until she was 30, which gives me hope that the next five years can be a total wash like the first five were. I mean, this is a girl that, on national TV, hit her best friend in the face because she slept with her ex-boyfriend, and she found someone nice. So there’s hope for the rest of us.
Whether it’s with or without Beau, I wish Stassi a happy life, because I’m projecting my problems onto her and I want to have a happy life. She’s like a living voodoo doll that forces me to feel my feelings. Think what you want of it, but my therapist thinks it’s normal.